Hear Ye, Hear Ye! We have a special Tudor-ific treat for you, today! We have invited fine lords and ladies of BuzzFocus to contribute to Pop Tudors. I dare say, they make a charming addition to the court!
The last few episodes of the Tudors have featured several back and forth letter exchanges between King Henry VIII and his subjects. Well we did some digging through old archives and microfiche to uncover these three letters written to the King.
My Dearest Henry,
I hope this letter finds you well. You may not remember me. I’m the shrew you bedded two Christmases ago. I believe you said the earth shook. Well it did for me as well.
I wanted to let you know that while shrewing in France, the prince discovered a rash on my genitalia. It’s probably nothing. Those French and their tongues. I just thought you should know. Have a blessed New Year. All my love to your new queen.
It grieves us to no end that you have raised taxes and laid waste to our abbeys. Our raising of arms is not a rebellion, but a pilgrimage to restore the Lord’s good graces to our kingdom. Most importantly we are making this pilgrimage because of your incessant hording of the Lady Ursula. A mistress of this quality should be shared with the people. This is a most dire grievance indeed. Was it not the Bard Sir Tupacillus III of West Side Yorkshire who did quote. “It shan’t be fun if the homies can’t have none?”
My Dearest Henry,
I have stuck by your side these many years and have done much to garner your attention. I thought that by destroying the Catholic Church, the biggest opposition to our love, that you would finally have the courage to tell me your true feelings. Alas, this was not the case. Instead you chose to chastise me in front of the Duke of Suffolk in regards to this peasant uprising.
I am saddened by your lack of interest me – taunting me with titles only to bash me with name calling. You must have noticed that I have not taken a mistress? It is because of my undying love for you. Why do you mock me by showing me your lady conquests when in your heart I know you know your true feelings are for me? Please, my king, I may not be able to give you the son you so desperately yearn for, but I can give you more love than Katherine, Anne or even your Jane.
Your Privy Seal T.C.