If You Liked It Then You Shoulda Put A Crown On It

From the good people over at BuzzFocus who brought you Signed, Sealed, But Never Quite Delivered comes another magnificent guest post.  Here are a couple helpful hint on how to become a coveted Lady in Waiting.

Photo Courtesy of Jonathan Hession/Showtime

The Queen and her Laid-ies in Waiting

The Queen and her Laid-ies in Waiting

When it comes to Tudors’ life, there is one group that will always survive the test of time – the Queen’s Ladies in Waiting. At its core, this group has two very simple tasks: attend to the queen and sleep with the king. Sound simple? Not so.

Becoming a Lady in Waiting isn’t a position that you can be born into or that you can attain through proper schooling. Not everyone is cut out to attend to the Queens royal needs or the king’s royal loins for the matter. This job requires diligence, timing and a lot of luck. Much like making your way onto a professional sports team

The job is arduous, but the rewards are great. You can become the Queen’s personal spy like Lady Rochford, uncovering all the new mistresses of the king. Then, there’s Queen’s mistress to the king. That’s right. You can be the next Madge, getting pimped out by the Queen to her hubby. Step your game up a notch and you can earn the prize title of being called the King’s OFFICIAL mistress. Not good enough? Why not just become Queen? It worked for Jane. If you’re a lady in waiting, you’re in the coveted royal-talent farm heading to the majors.

The fun doesn’t stop there. You can get yourself a trading card deal. Of course, in Tudors’ life, everything is bigger. Instead of your baseball card with a dry stick of gum you’ll get a 24×36 nude painting. Honus Wagner – eat your heart out.

Here are a few helpful hints to become a lady-in-waiting:

1. Sneak into your frequent court parties unannounced and give the king a playfully coy smile.
2. Make sure you have a father who is willing to whore you out for personal gain.
3. Sleep with one-eyed bandits who are randomly pop up in the king’s inner circle. Corollary: Already be engaged to a noble, it shows that you are willing to sacrifice for your passion
4. Be the least pretty girl in waiting (see also Madge)
5. Be the most slutty girl in waiting (see also Anne Boleyn)
6. Be a lady in waiting. But as far as royal cherry-pops go be still in waiting (see also Queen Jane).

Do you have what it take’s to be a Lady in Waiting?

8 Comments

  1. Justine
    Posted May 12, 2009 at 8:12 pm | Permalink

    ugh. Anne Boleyn was not a slut, she refused to sleep with Henry unless he married her. I’m offended. Katherine Howard was the slutty lady in waiting.

  2. k
    Posted May 12, 2009 at 8:49 pm | Permalink

    Are people STILL saying that Anne Boleyn was a slut? Despite that she refused to have sex before she was married and the only man who said he’d had sex with her had been tortured to receive a “yes” to that answer from the King’s jailers?

    Wow.

  3. Marisa
    Posted May 12, 2009 at 8:49 pm | Permalink

    Replace “most slutty” with “most interesting and mysterious” by Anne Boleyn and this would be a winner.

  4. Ana
    Posted May 12, 2009 at 9:24 pm | Permalink

    “Be the most slutty girl in waiting (see also Anne Boleyn)” ??
    And making Jane a saint?
    Srsly, you guys disappointed me on this one… =(

  5. Posted May 13, 2009 at 4:03 pm | Permalink

    I have to agree, the old myths about Anne Boleyn have been debunked by history and she is now considered to have been a virtuous intelligent woman and certainly not a slut.

  6. Posted May 13, 2009 at 6:04 pm | Permalink

    why isnt henry gaining weight

  7. Posted May 13, 2009 at 6:06 pm | Permalink

    I do believe they were all sluts
    it was the only way to gain lands
    and title without fighting..

  8. Laudergirl
    Posted May 28, 2009 at 1:37 am | Permalink

    Natalie Dormer as Anne Boelyn was the best, to me the season with Anne Boelyn was the best of the 3, we will see about season 4.


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