So Much Tudors Buzz, So Little Time.

The princess of soul has become queen, and the internet is all a buzz about Joss Stone’s performance as Anne of Cleves on The Tudors! Here are a few of my favorite morsels of Tudor-y goodness.

Photo Courtesy of Jonathan Hession/Showtime

Joss Stone checking out all the buzzzzz.

Joss Stone checking out all the buzzzzz.

Joss Stone’s performance made the classic rock blog Too Old To Rock N Roll – Too Young To Die, pipe up and give her a dedicated post.

What is Joss’s favorite part of working on The Tudors? She told People magazine all about it!

Stone sat down for an interview with Showtime and discussed everything from perfecting a German accent to the similarities between Anne and herself.  See the whole interview here.

Will Joss be returning as Anne of Cleves next season? TV Squad has the answer.

Episode 307 Pop Tudors Recap

And Another Queen Bites the Dust…

Like King Henry, many of you are still not over the death of the late Jane Seymour.  In honor of her majesty, Kris Waldherr author of DOOMED QUEENS: Royal Women Who Met Bad Ends, From Cleopatra to Princess Di has been nice enough to write us a memorial post for King Henry’s most favored wife.

Our good king is deep in grief in grief over another one of his queens biting the dust. You think he’d be used to this marrying and burying by now, but nooooooo. It takes the death of Jane Seymour, his only “true wife,” for the much-married king to finally show some emotion beside relief at being a bachelor once more. (Yes, Henry really called Queen Jane his “true wife”. He even arranged to be buried next to her when he finally kicked the bucket. I guess it helped that she coughed up the male heir and expired before he decided gentlemen prefer brunettes after all.)

This past episode also made it clear from the overtures of Cromwell that Henry will soon be dipping his toes back into the matrimonial waters. But before Henry says “I do” yet again, I have some possibly life-saving advice for Queen #4: Cover your head.

My advice has nothing to do with showing obsequience to God or King. Rather, it’s based on common sense. If one looks at Henry’s wives throughout seasons of The Tudors past, it’s clear that the more covered up the queen’s head, the less likely she is to bite the dust.

Queen #1: Catherine of Aragon
– 24 years. Catherine here is wearing a rather fanciful concoction of black velvet, gold, and white veil. It’s a bit different from this heavy gable headdress from one of her portraits. Nonetheless, quite a lot of the queen’s hair is hidden from view.

Picture 1
Queen #2: Anne Boleyn – 3 years. Anne didn’t fare as well as Catherine. No surprise: Here she is wearing the rather revealing French hood, which she imported from her saucy sojourn in the French court. Ooh la la!

Picture 2
Queen #3: Jane Seymour – 1 year. Compared to Catherine and Anne, Jane is an au natural beauty, with nary a headdress in sight. That is, until she was imported into Henry’s court as one of Queen Anne’s ladies-in-waiting. Then she dons the French hood to cover her pretty blond tresses.

Picture 3However, Jane’s official portrait below tells a different story. Based on how covered up she is in it, you’d think her reign would be at least as many years as Catherine of Aragon’s, if not more. Tant pis.

Picture 4
(Note to the wise: Do not be confused by Queen Jane’s gable-shaped wimple, or the fact that she forced her ladies-in-waiting to give up their slutty French hoods.* Remember, a girl’s gotta cover up when it comes to state occasions and paintings. Right?)

And now here comes Queen #4, Anne of Cleves:

Picture 5And we have a winner—maybe. Based on Anne’s headdress, Queen Anne shouldn’t be kicking the bucket anytime soon. But how long will she remain Henry’s wife? That remains to be seen.

* True story. Jane considered the French hood an unhappy reminder of her predecessor, Anne Boleyn. So her ladies-in-waiting were forced to wear the more cumbersome gable hood. They were not happy about it.

Deep Thoughts with King Henry

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Tudors Insults Part Deux

I had so much fun writing the You just got served by Shakespeare insults post, that I decided to ask some of the funniest ladies in court to contribute a few of their own.

These are a few of my favorites that  Katina Corrao Submitted!

1. What was said:

She bears a duke’s revenues on her back, And in her heart she scorns our poverty. -Henry VI, Part 2, 1. 3

What it means:

The girl has a tattoo of a bear named Duke on her back. Her father struck it rich sometime ago so she has made a habit of making fun of those less fortunate.

2. What was said:

There shall be no money; all shall eat and drink on my score; and I will apparel them all in one livery, that they may agree like brothers and worship me their lord. -Henry VI, Part 2, 4. 2

What it means:

My brother Hank owns a timeshare in Aruba. If you go you can eat and drink for free. Heck, he’ll even buy you some clothes from American Apparel. Oh wait, there’s just this one tiny thing. You may have to listen to a little seminar. And you also have to worship Hank as your lord.

3.  What was said:

Goodly Lord, what a wit-snapper you are! -The Merchant of Venice, 3.

What it means:

Lord runs an open mike every week at Goodly’s Restaurant. Beware, there’s a 2-drink minimum.

Photo courtesy of  Jonathan Hession/Showtime

Sweet eye patch bro.

Sweet eye patch bro.

Here are a few more insults from Elizabeth Black!

1. What was said:

A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. -Macbeth, 5. 5

What it means:

Have you ever had someone try to explain a dream of theirs to you? And you have no idea what they’re talking about but you keep nodding and smiling ‘cause they’re sure it really means something? That’s exactly what it’s like talking to that guy.

2. What was said:

There is neither honesty, manhood or good fellowship in thee. -Henry IV Part 1

What it means:

You’re a liar, a). And b) you have a tiny dick. And three, you’re a lousy friend.

3. What was said:

Given to fornications, and to tavern, and sack, and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings, and swearings, and starlings, pribbles and prabble.  -The Merry Wives of Windsor, 5. 5

What it means:

We’re all here to help you because we think you have a problem. And you should get tested.

Thanks again Katina and Liz, well done!